The 10 New Year’s Resolutions to Have

When it comes to the new year, you have to consider the new things that you can change. Of course, it does not have to be anything particularly special, but it should be something worth changing. Yeah, but doesn’t this make it something special anyway? Well, of course it does; however, expecting too much change can be a difficult task to overcome. In fact, as we all know, putting too much weight on your shoulders can create a desire that drowns itself into misery. If you decide to do too much, then you can overwhelm yourself with stress. However, we should be making these changes throughout the year, making a new year resolution decidedly needless … . Although, in spite of this, there is still reason to spur its relevance regardless of the benign excuse to partake in it to begin with. These are — the most amazing traditions — the 10 new year’s resolutions to have after the holidays, mostly for fun.

The 10 New Year’s Resolutions to Have

1. Celebrate Less

As we all know, there are plenty of reasons to celebrate these sanctimonious yearly traditions. You can get lost in the whimsical desires of your childhood, or you can think of yourself as someone who isn’t looking for an excuse to gain massive amounts of weight. Of course, when push comes to shove, we can look at ourselves with anything but grief, as we folly ourselves out of existence. In turn, we can look at this as a time to avoid digging through that indecisive rabbit hole. Without a doubt, not to evade the loveliness of joy or the creativity of the holiday spirit. Instead, we should do it to make ourselves suffer, which is important to make a difference or meaningful impact. If it meant that we should celebrate more, then using that as an excuse to make our dubious, conniving way would instead be the best route.

The 10 New Year’s Resolutions to Have

2. Curb Your Drinking Problem

Of course, not everyone drinks, and not everyone deserves to inject heroin into their eyeballs — this is certainly the truth. That’s what everyone says; though, for some reason, people tend to only say this once they’ve misused you for their betterment. Regardless of and despite this horrendous travesty, there are plenty of reasons to curb this drinking problem that your ex-girlfriend (or mother) gave you.

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Be it from too much eggnog or the desire to will your whims away with the slight touch of an ethanol drink, you can improve your horrible habits. Sometimes, it may even involve drinking too much until you find the reason to avoid it to begin with. Maybe you might even find reason to go “cold turkey,” as they say, to rely on your natural limits to perform optimally. In the end, you may just need to smoke more cannabis or let go after binging too much over the holiday season, including New Year’s Eve/Day, right? In the end, you’ll be getting high on life without fear of any kind of retribution.

The 10 New Year’s Resolutions to Have

3. Pack off the Pounds

Yes, even though this is quite the cliché to follow, there is an element of truth to how losing weight can be worthwhile. It obviously depends on how much weight you have on you (your obesity level), but you may want to become anorexic as well. Everyone has something to gain … or lose, and allowing yourself to not do it, in spite of the struggle, can be very unambitious of you. Anyway, let’s say that you are trying to lose weight and are “quenching” your undeniable habits of drinking alcohol.

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If this happens to be the case, then you can kill two birds with one stone and make yourself a new status quo. However, you may end up consuming far too many sweets to satisfy your desire for more alcoholic beverages. For example, if you want to quit drinking, then you must also consider curbing your appetite for sweets, smoking, and indiscriminate sex with underaged hookers … the best of luck.

The 10 New Year’s Resolutions to Have

4. Leave Your Loved Ones Behind

Instead of dealing with their love or so-called abuse, you can give your loved ones the thing that they desire the most. It can come in the form of a divorce, separation, or sabbatical for self-actualization; there’s nothing wrong with growing up through a pilgrimage. This may be in “quotes,” or it may come through their wishes to see you suffer with immortal flame. However, there are more things to do for the next-coming year than doing things solely for yourself. You can actually, in fact, be doing them a favor, and if it makes them upset, then so be it. The excuse to do it for them is all that matters, and leaving your loved ones behind, i.e., your children, wife, husband, etcetera, is all that matters. Afterall, you’re not here to satisfy them, unlike what you’re used to, and if they don’t agree, then put them in their place.

The 10 New Year’s Resolutions to Have

5. Lose Your Virginity

We all know that you’re still looking to break the ice, and busting that cherry on that special top is the pinnacle of it. It doesn’t matter if you have the experience, desire, or willingness to go through with it, because it should be your resolution no matter what. In fact, understanding your place is choice numero uno, and leaving yourself to your pity is the last place where you will stand. However, with all of this in mind, learning how to talk with women or men is a crucial aspect that you must take seriously. Of course, you can always walk into a brothel, but these skills are paramount in such situations as well. If it comes down to going to a Halloween or Thanksgiving party, then so be it, but leave the last act for Christmas. Afterall, there’s nothing like losing your metaphorical shit under a mistletoe with your sister.

The 10 New Year’s Resolutions to Have

6. Try to Not Die

When life hands you oranges, you should probably throw the oranges right back in its face — to peach them a lesson. Of course, there is a lot of room for pleasing others, but attempting not to get yourself killed should be one of them. “Why is this?” you ask. Well, we all know that the holiday season, including October, November, and especially December, can be stressful for everyone. The in-laws are in town, and your parents are drinking way too many spiked drinks to act appropriately. After some time, this can create a lot of problems, be it a desire to murder one another to simply acting on in a fit of rage. If you want to avoid this though, then you should probably consider your options. The way that things can go down are numerous, and you do not want to be in the middle of it when it all breaks down.

The 10 New Year’s Resolutions to Have

7. Look Out for Yourself

This idea is ages old, but there is much truth behind the fact that looking out for yourself will do you much good. Everyone is selfish anyway, and trying to teach them a lesson in kindness is the last thing that you should do. However, to make this even worse, it would be a waste of time, as just about everyone is looking out for themselves anyway. If it even means that you have to cut ties with people or buy yourself gifts to mock the attempts that other people make, then so be it. Afterall, there is nothing wrong with being selfish; considering yourself is the best way to give to others later on. Everyone else can wait anyway, and leaving them with something to look forward to is quite the present. Additionally, whomever you may speak to, never let them make you think otherwise, as it only comes into conflict.

The 10 New Year’s Resolutions to Have

8. Get a Job

We all know that the holidays are a perfect time to get fired, be it from layovers or the fact that you shat on the boardroom conference table. Although, it doesn’t really matter in the end, and spending the entire holiday season working to get a job is a great start. If you know that it’s a holiday trend, then you can even trash your job early or look for something before that inevitable day comes. Your job likely sucks anyway, and if you’re not aware of it now, then you would’ve been aware of it if you didn’t get fired.

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After this is all said and done, you can live your life freely, at least for a while, by begging for handouts from the government. And those rich people who take all of our money are allowed to get richer with more of an excuse. However, when the holiday is over, they will make it all worthwhile once you get that new job — you’ll never take it for granted ever again, right? Well, hopefully so!

The 10 New Year’s Resolutions to Have

9. Thinking for Yourself

Isn’t it about time that we all had our own opinions? (That is a real question.) Well, yes it is, and coming into conflict because of our opinions being discriminant, disagreeable, or something completely crazy should be the outcome. Who needs to agree on anything anyway, as diversity is the ultimate goal that we should strive for. You see, not only does it mean that you can make all sorts of restricted trademarks, but you can also enjoy the lawsuits that follow from stealing other people’s ideas.

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Unfortunately, diversity doesn’t win, so coming together and forgetting our diversity is probably the best thing to accomplish. In fact, the more that we at least try to be the same, the more that we can get along, mostly. To make this even better, we can clone ourselves to create “exact” replicas that we can get along with. Originality is not the key anyway, at least as long as we can all get along with such creativity in the first place. Then again, most of this doesn’t have to come into conflict with everything else.

The 10 New Year’s Resolutions to Have

10. Your Death

Some people simply have nothing to live for, and making their desire to burn out or fade away is a great way to start. Not only that, but the hope for it to come true is a great way for you to start when you’re searching for an exciting and endearing New Year resolution! Afterall, it’s all a self-fulfilling prophecy most of the time, and sparing everyone, including yourself, from the misery that you will cause them only seems like the right, the correct thing to do.

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If this wasn’t enough reason to lead yourself to your deathbed, then maybe your family’s need for money will convince you. They require the typical things: food, clothing, and shelter — things that you must work hard for. In fact, you’d be making a sacrifice that would be highly appreciated, even if death robs you of this. People will actually adore you, and your death will never be in vain, especially if you decide to fake it to run away from those whom you cannot stand.

The 10 New Year’s Resolutions to Have

Ending

As you can see, there are plenty of ways to celebrate the new year, and there are a litany of honorable mentions as well. It doesn’t necessarily have to involve hope, a wish, or extended dreams, but some sort of change is in order and should be required. Afterall, we all need improvement, and there is no shame in having to accept it for the betterment of yourself, humanity, and all living life. In fact, these are certainly the 10 new years resolutions that you should have. However, it this seems like too much of a challenge, there are always ways around this. Just don’t expect too much of an easy ride if you want to take the shortcuts. Everything, shamelessly, requires work, and giving up too fast never truly accomplished anything special. In the end, if you want the victory, then you may just have to die for it, unfortunately.

The 10 New Year’s Resolutions to Have

Honorable Mentions

More Wishes, Sleeping Pills, Your Genitals, Change for the Worse, Taking the Red Pill, Giving Your Parents What They Want, Giving Up, Jumping From a Functional Plane, Stalking Your New Girlfriend, Dreaming of Silver, Cleaning up Your Mess, Doing Something Positive for a Change, Not Making a Wish or Creating a Resolution, Slipping on a Banana Peel, Becoming a Creep, Sleeping With Your Neighbors, Accepting Your Incestuous Life, Jumping on a Grenade, Never Waking Up, Cleaning Your Bathroom

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Godspeed