The 10 Ways to Cross a Road
There’s an old saying about a chicken crossing a road, but who needs to know about that boring and useless adventure. A very old wives’ tale can only get you “very” far after all, and this Frogger character was never the right solution. Of course there’s more to the story than simply walking, but how do you walk, and what do you do when you cross over to the other side. Although, to make this clear, these are rhetorical questions, and to substantiate them can be a challenging task. Furthermore, walking across the road can be difficult as well, be it a metaphorical trip to the abyss or a desire to go to a bathroom. However, with sacrifice and conviction, you can finally reach the epitome of your existential purpose. In the end, these are the 10 ways to cross a road, but be sure to look both ways at first … .
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In the end, you can cross the street expecting that special someone across the way. Unfortunately, they may end up being on the side that you came from once you catch sight of them … if they ever happen to show up. Although, to your luck, you spot a mighty faun off in the distance. She’s crossing the street to the side that you came from, strangely enough. Instinctively, you may find reason to cross over again, but you’re too unabashedly afraid to seem like a pervert on the prowl. However, after some thought, you decide that you cannot allow this one to escape for some silly reason (like numerous times before), so you jet your way across the street once more. It’s just too bad that right before you get there, they move to the other side. It’s then that you realize that this is what they did to begin with, out of sheer unluck, to avoid your marathon practice of utmost and insane affection.
The Dumb Cluck
The 10 Ways to Cross a Road
1. Walk
To get the obvious out of the way first: You can simply walk across the road! Of course, this may seem kind of like a waste of time or an oblivious point to make, but who knows, right? Since that grass is greener on the other side, there may just be some worth in taking this leap of faith. Furthermore, you may even find a pot of gold or your long lost lover walking with their new soulmate. To make this even better though, you are finally free of that unnecessary trip across traffic. However, if this wasn’t enough, then you can realize the necessity of walking and how it’s better for your joints than running. Then, at this point, you’ve finally realized the best way to approach people (incognito) with class without scaring them away. You’ve also found a way to to exercise in moderation without getting hit by a car.
The 10 Ways to Cross a Road
2. Run
If walking doesn’t suit your undeniable fancy, then you can obviously run across the road when your time comes. Of course, you can cross the highway as well, as this is technically a road as well, but why run when you need to. Afterall, when you’re slogging … jogging your way towards freedom, you can even cross the street with greater ease, as if there is nothing to worry about. Not only are you faster and not angering the impatient bystanders, but you even appear as though you have a turd hanging in your saggy pants. Thankfully, after you’re done dragging your drawers back up, you can question your motivations to run in that ridiculous attire to begin with. However, where running will most help you is when you have to run to across the road after a grandma thought that you’d help them.
The 10 Ways to Cross a Road
3. Fly
When walking and/or running will not get the job done, you can always “decide” to fly across the street, right? Although, you may find yourself a little exhausted from the trip, as there are few ways that make this work. “Yes, but how does this work?” you ask. Well, there are numerous ways to do this so-called flying, but few are especially worthwhile. It may not even be worth it, especially if you have to walk to a plane to fly across the lanes. On top of that, you will have to land on the other side and walk to the sidewalk on that side of the street. Ugh! Thankfully, it’s even more worth it if you have superpowers, but this would kind of defeat the point of the difficulty. However, if you find yourself lucky, you can catch a flight or a biplane and swing your way across or have someone throw you from a rooftop.
The 10 Ways to Cross a Road
4. Pole Vault
When you do not have wings because of your lack of Red Bull, you can always choose to pole vault your way across the rainbow. It may sound difficult at first; however, trust me, there are worse ways to get to where you’re going — like swimming. Furthermore, with some practice, you will find that you’re pole vaulting to the store, mall, and through the drive through and back again. Of course, it may not be the most practical choice for everyone else, but what’s the point in trying to satisfy those who will despise you anyway. It’s even great for evading the police after you decided to advertise your stick as a straw during your last drug deal that went wrong. After everything is said and done, not only will you be ready for the Olympics, but you will also convince the masses that you’re a professional already.
The 10 Ways to Cross a Road
5. Jump
When you don’t have a stick to use as leverage to cross your way to the other side, then jumping may just do the trick. In summation though, this greatly helps your mobility, but your distance will be compromised. Of course, this can come in the form of jumping like a frog or even something like a spider or bunny rabbit. However, if you took dance classes, there are a plethora of special chances for you to provoke the crowd with your metro-realistic ballerina skills. This can be displayed through small hops, or you can even plunge via chasmic leaps to reach the other side, too. Hell, you can even display your Olympic hopscotch skills by rubbing the asphalt with some chalk to guide your way across. Although, if you’re struggling, you can use that jump rope to speed your way across those waxy tracks.
The 10 Ways to Cross a Road
6. Dance
When you want to move like Jagger, you will find that dancing your way across can garner you some positive attention. You may even gain applause from an audience after you choose your electric choice of dance moves. Thankfully, those innocent bystanders will be arrested by your sense of style, and they may even appreciate your quality of rhythm. Afterall, you have a litany of choices to choose from, including Elvis, Michael Jackson, and GG Allin. However, to make this even better, you can spin, hump, or surprisingly groove your way across the ocean through the means of walking on water. No one will even care about their driving, as you will have stopped them in their tracks. And, when push comes to shove, you can glide your way into a moonwalk to push the crowd into their seats once more.
The 10 Ways to Cross a Road
7. Cartwheel
They say that the more options that you have in your repertoire, the more that you can confuse the onlookers away from your true, eclectic motivations. Of course, we’re talking about exercise techniques, and creating a sense of awe-inspiring structure will keep them staring to the moon. This can include cartwheeling or summersaulting your way to victory or even leaving them with a spin or two as well. If this doesn’t work in helping you avoid your inevitable doom, at least slightly, then you can flip and dip to your heart’s content. Not only because you deserve it, but because you will see that street corner from under the bus. However, you will be using your sleight of hand to amuse your cohorts into a state of dire divestment. In response, this can be obnoxious, especially if you’re looking to cross easily.
The 10 Ways to Cross a Road
8. Perceive
Instead of even bothering to begin with, you can simply go into a deep state of denial and assume that you’re across the street. It may not be the real thing, but what difference does it make when your thoughts are all that matter. Your perception is everything, Mr. Solipsist, and utilizing the magical gifts that god gave you is crucial to obtaining your heavenly abode. There is no one who can stop you, and when push comes to shove, you can have your cake and eat it too. Just be sure to think positively, as taking in the musings of a nihilist are the opposite of what you want. Why? Well, because your projective abilities will get you squished like a bug that is used for pancake batter. Likewise, simply walking into the road and expecting people to stop for you, akin to walking off of a cliff, will harm you.
The 10 Ways to Cross a Road
9. Teleport
Who needs to drive, sleepwalk, or skateboard across the road when you can simply teleport to the other side. As a matter of fact, you may even see this in the near future, which involves portals on the side of the street. With the sole purpose of getting you to the other side of the street, this portal will make your life much easier, and quicker. For example: If you see that pit bull coming your way, you can simply teleport to the other side of the street. Of course, you can teleport for other meaningful purposes as well, but that’s not the true function of teleportation. The point is to actually use it for the betterment of mankind … like quantum computing; though, this use is the most prominent one. You may not become atomized again, but it’s the risk worth taking for that big step for mankind, am I right?
The 10 Ways to Cross a Road
10. Levitate
When it comes to hauling yourself across the street, there’s not a better way to do it than by using your special telekinetic powers. Along with this ability to drag others to your unalleviated will, you can levitate over and under objects the correct way. Furthermore, you can even use your powers to read people’s minds and see them naked when they’re in the shower. Additionally, you can bring the other side of the street to yourself instead of having to waste your time going over to it. However, if that asshole on a bike decides to nearly run you off of the sidewalk, you can throw them into oncoming traffic to show them who’s boss. To make this even better, you can use your mind control powers to spread the traffic like the Red Sea (*wink-wink*) to reenact your psychotic & pseudo-religious fantasies.
The 10 Ways to Cross a Road
Ending
Of course, there are plenty of honorable mentions on this list, but these are easily the best ones around, i.e., the best ones that we can actually perform. Irrespective of this, we have plenty of work to do when it comes to crossing the street; the world will otherwise end. Even then, you’re likely going to disagree with some of them; however, there’s no denying the power — the gravest power of all — that we have when crossing the street. There’s nothing wrong with disagreeing though, but if it bothers you that much, then that’s too damn bad. Afterall, you can levitate, teleport, and even pole vault to the other side, be it literally or figuratively. Lastly, the inane delusion of crossing the street with fear will no longer haunt us, and with time, we will finally see the light at the end of that over brightened tunnel.
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Honorable Mentions: The Diagonal Dash, Not Giving a Shit, The Risky Shuffle, Do What the Beatles Did, Jump on a Grenade, Pray to Jesus, Cross the Street to the Wishing Well, Just Cross the Damn Thing, Use Hope and Faith, Waiting for Something to Happen, Become an Enigma (like me), The Whim Whacker, Go Back in Time, Create a Portal, Be Yourself, Live Your Best Life, Leaving Your Loved Ones Behind, Riding a Rollercoaster, Ask an Alien, The Dark Web and Google Earth, Having Your Children Do it for You, Thinking About the Thought in Your Head, Not Crossing the Street, and Having Someone Carry You
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The 10 Ways to Cross a Road
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Godspeed
