The 10 Gifts to Purchase During the Holidays

There’s never a time too late for buying gifts during the holidays, and there’s not a better time to do it than Christmas. Of course, to most people, this is obvious; however, it also depends on when you buy the presents, etcetera. In spite of this, it doesn’t matter if it’s Halloween, Thanksgiving, or New Years, because it’s always time to buy. Those corporations could use your money anyway, and keeping their pockets lined with cash is important. In fact, the key to success, and when you purchase something is important, be it the past, present, or future. However, there are crucial things to consider other than the who, what, when, and where. Who you’re buying for is important, and this brings me to what you should be buying. It obvious depends on the person, but these are the 10 gifts to purchase during the holidays.

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As we all know, the gift can be for you or someone whom you care about. You can even give gifts to those whom upset you dearly. If anything, it gives you a chance for the gift of payback.

The AMAZING Gift-giving Person

The 10 Gifts to Purchase During the Holidays

1. Alcohol

To make your holiday that much more special, why not indulge in the questionable sides of alcohol consumption. Of course, this is a rhetorical question, but at the same time, you can understand the point of the holidays. Not only will you be enjoying your time alone, but bringing others around for the ride makes it all the more entertaining. You can make a fool of yourself, or you can even make the most of it by sleeping with your next door neighbor. As long as you’re having a good time humiliating your friends, then the personal embarrassment will seem worth it. Unfortunately, those good times have to end, but they never have to come to an end for you. You can make this journey through your personal hell all the more flourishing. I mean, who said that the good times had to end by new years, right …?

The 10 Gifts to Purchase During the Holidays

2. Diapers

To go along with the debauchery of your drinking allowance, why not owe it to yourself with something fantastic by purchasing yourself/others some adult diapers. It’s an easy gift, and it even spares the clothing that you’re wearing during the holiday parties that you will attend. Yes, this is not only for you, but it is also for your friends, family, or your children as well. They will obviously need it, and it doesn’t even have to be a present, i.e., wrapped gift. Furthermore, if things get out of shape too fast, it’s the kind of gift that you can open early just in case things go awry. In fact, you may even find reason to have the self-aggrandizing gift opened by the time that you show up. You see, not only is is great for those hard, lonely nights, but it’s great for spreading around to everyone else in the house.

The 10 Gifts to Purchase During the Holidays

3. Arts and Crafts

Just like with that red wine and liquor that’s hard to scrub from the carpet after a late night out, you can also indulge in some arts and crafts. It doesn’t have to just be colored pencils and crayons, as you can indulge in just about anything that you’d like. To start, why not give yourself a chance to buy something for the (your) children for once. When you finally get around to buying them and allowing your friend’s child to use them, be sure to gift them in secret. For example, you can surprise your neighbor with their children’s artwork in the kitchen after their special Sunday brunch. If it all goes poorly, then you simply use those acrylic and oil paints for yourself to finish the job that they started. You’re likely going to have to clean up anyway, and otherwise, you can simply appreciate that special work of holiday art.

The 10 Gifts to Purchase During the Holidays

4. Love

The first and last thing that people want during the holidays is a thing called love, albeit a little too much at times. However, at the same time, there are plenty of people who want something even better: lust and sex. The long and short of it is a little more complicated though, and keeping people from going to far can become a so-called “problem.” Thankfully, there are plenty of presents to go around, so there may not be anything to worry about it, especially when uncle Fred decides to knock back a few too many spicy beverages. It’s, after all, the thought that counts, and people never appreciate anything until they realize that it’s been taken for granted. This is why it is key to give people things that they will only later appreciate. And, this even includes the time that you spiked your granddads drink with benzos.

The 10 Gifts to Purchase During the Holidays

5. Lump of Coal

“Who doesn’t appreciate a lump of coal?” you ask. Well, just about everyone, and it’s quite unfortunate, to say the least. People should appreciate the sacrifice that people make, and sometimes, its representation is all that truly counts. Not everyone can afford something grandiose, and maybe the age-old joke to hide a lump of coal in wrapping paper had a good reason, a good story behind it. Afterall, people love a good story, and giving an engaging story is a great way to immerse yourself into the holidays. Everyone will LOVE it! In fact, a lump of coal is what everyone needs, especially if they actually deserve it. How come this is this case? Well, it’s easy, and if you collect enough of them, you can make a fire to keep yourself warm. After this, you can make a bonfire out back and share your stories … .

The 10 Gifts to Purchase During the Holidays

6. Halloween Candy

If you happened to have missed the other holidays with strangers or your friends and family, then making sure to make up for lost time is paramount. However, do not think that you get off so easily, because there is only room for compensation during this dreaded time. Although, to make this easier to understand, people need to be catered to — they will appreciate it. You can even give them the gift of giving through all sorts of means, including Halloween candy, Thanksgiving dinner, and their outgrown birthday clothes from several years ago. In fact, not only will it bring back fantastic memories of the past, but it will also leave people with horrible feelings of guilt. You were willing to give them something more and never forget, and now they have to make up for your lousy, thoughtless, and outdated gift.

The 10 Gifts to Purchase During the Holidays

7. Money

As we all know, the #1 gift of all time is the type that doesn’t require any kind of thinking. What is this silly little gift that means absolutely nothing? Well, it’s obviously a bundle of cash, and it never fails to impress the onlookers at that get-together. People love the look of green, and it’s not only those Christmas trees. First of all, it’s cheap, easy, and doesn’t involve any kind of asinine, crude, or bulls**t pretense. You’re showing that person’s value by simply throwing money at them, and they couldn’t care less. Of course, it depends on how much you give them, but you probably have plenty of excuses. You may even be the kind of person who likes to give away your rent money for the sake of feeling better about yourself. However, in the end, it’s a meaningless gift, but there’s nothing better than it.

The 10 Gifts to Purchase During the Holidays

8. Something Cheap

The older that you become, the more that the presents seem to faulter in quality, e.g., marijuana, caffeine drinks, and all sorts of other drugs to suit your appetite. You may end up with more presents, but the end result is usually less than the sum of its parts. In return, instead of taking the glory by spending all of your money on everyone else, you can return the unfavorably pristine favor. Even then, someone has to make it out of Christmas with a net — more for me — surplus, so why not allow it to be you. There was only room to give it because of your selfishness anyway, so why bother! There are plenty of people giving plenty of things, and taking part in this competition is likely to disappoint your peers. Causing yourself insecurity is no fun either, so setting low expectations is always a positive in shituations like this.

The 10 Gifts to Purchase During the Holidays

9. Weapons

Everybody loves a weapon, be it an assault rifle, a sawed-off shotgun, or giant vibrator. They’re great for mowing intruder with bullet holes, and they’re even more fun to trigger at your nearest shooting range. If guns are not your deal, then a freshly carved axe or sharpened machete will do the trick just as well. Then again, why not spend the money for them to exercise their favorite hobby. People actually love their memberships, so why not get them something for the long haul. Not only will it give them time to process all of their questionable decision-making skills, but it will make it easier to kill or be killed. Although, if it sounds too dangerous, then remembering the freedom that you have to fight for is worthy of your time. Since everyone enjoys their right to bear arms, then be sure to give it to them good.

The 10 Gifts to Purchase During the Holidays

10. Yourself

We all know that person who is always talking about needing nothing but their loved ones around. Of course, they are likely full of crap, but they’re obviously trying to earn brownie points from their unrequited love. They require nothing else, and they obviously, at least sometimes, get what they want, mostly. Regardless of this self-indulgence, it’s always good to think of yourself, even if it means that you will be hated by your friends and family. Although, even if this crude crapshoot may sound like pretentious malarky, there are plenty of ways to make yourself special as well; people would love to see you unwrapped. It may involve putting on a special dress or leaving a dirty diaper for your loved one to pick up through roleplay. In the end, you get what you give, and if they like it, then so will you.

The 10 Gifts to Purchase During the Holidays

Ending

Even if it sounds ridiculous, there are plenty of ways to satisfy your peers. You can love them, hate them, or think that they deserve a hard-earned lesson in giving gifts. It doesn’t matter! There are plenty of gifts to give, and there are obviously plenty of gifts to get, too. Of course, receiving is only part of the bargain, and plenty of people know nothing of how to make the “spirit” feel alive. When this happens to be a problem though, you can always be the one in the room who knows the way to get it done. For the sake of the love of your family and friends, be to give them something great! Afterall, they may not love you otherwise, and with some soul searching, you will realize that you simply wanted validation. If this happens to hurt your feelings, then grow up and take off the diapers that you gave your wife.

The 10 Gifts to Purchase During the Holidays

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Honorable Mentions:

Problems, Spanking, Stripper/Hooker, Loved One’s Ashes, Golden Shower, Poop on Chest, Impending Doom, Anxiety, Depression, Death, Drugs, Mistletoe, A Wish, Santa Claus, Poison Apples, A Divorce, Broken Arms and Legs, A Vasectomy, More Wishes, Large Dildo, Weight Loss Plan, Teddy Bear, an Email, Gift Card, Package From the Unabomber, Toilet Paper, Their “Favorite” Music, A Turd in a Blanket, Nutcracker, Creepy Doll, Something Expensive, A Love Letter, A Joke Book, A Sense of Humor, The Gift of Life, A Fantasy Novel, A Lover’s Quarrel, A Naughty List, and a Big Etcetera

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Godspeed