11 Ways to Choke Your Chicken

Everyone gets off, be it a man, woman, or that strange old lady that lives down the street. Even if it is not sexual, it does not mean that the vice cannot make you happy and horny. Some people may seem like they are unfazed when it comes to sexual satisfaction, but they hide it. They may seem like they like nothing, but it may just be the weird that turns them on the most. There are 11 ways to choke your chicken properly, but it requires some jerk.

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If no one is around while we get what we like, countermeasures are in place to free us of these blues. Just be aware that no matter how low you go, there is always room to improve. Although you may be starting below the belt, you can still reach the sky. While there are many different ways to do it, you should do them all at once. There is heavenly knowledge to bestow upon the masses, and I am here to help. These are the 11 ways to choke your chicken properly, but you have to come to the dark side.

11 Ways to Choke Your Chicken

1. Pull Down Your Pants

Going into action can be hard, but why make it harder. There are some easy ways to remedy this unnecessary problem. The first includes making sure that your pants are off while squeezing the love out of you. Something like pants will get in the way of you having a good time. If you want to make it a fun time you will not forget, give yourself a stroke of luck.

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If going through the zipper in your pants gives you that extra squeeze you need, it won’t last. A zipper can be your worst enemy when you are done. Not only this, it helps to feel like you are doing the real thing when you spank the monkey. It will also prevent sweating and make you feel free while avoiding choking those balls. Next time you get it on, be sure to do it going commando.

11 Ways to Choke Your Chicken

2. Use Lube

The importance of lube is often understated, but using it can make all of the difference. If you want to make sure that you don’t spring a leak or rip a piece of skin off, grab some lotion. The sense of moisture adds a lot to the experience you would otherwise be missing. There is nothing like scoring some true affection through nothing but your hands. The sense of satisfaction it can give you with just a touch of wetness can make it so much better.

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If you are a dry diver, then have at it. Beyond the rashes and blood streaks, you will still have a good time sagging the skin. Just know that this may only be useful during self-satisfaction without natural lubricant. Not everyone likes to soak their toilet paper in urine, so why would you. The difference really just comes down to the philosophy of different strokes for different folks.

11 Ways to Choke Your Chicken

3. Hump Your Hand

If you want to feel like you just jumped into battle, then making the moves will come in handy. Even though you are by yourself, you can still reenact the real thing. It kind of speaks for itself, as you would want to do it and you have the privacy along with it. There is nothing wrong with getting jiggy with it, and it gives you some practice in the meantime. You may even decide to spread your cheeks to help with the gas leak.

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Although you may never get laid, there is still so much fun in getting that extra practice in before getting fired. For many, this may seem like a natural reflex, but it never hurt in pointing out the obvious. It may require a blowup doll or a fleshlight, but whatever twerks, works. Just be sure that you are not tenderizing your meat old-fashioned when someone walks in. This will do you little favors in your try-hard attempt at masculinity.

11 Ways to Choke Your Chicken

4. Get a Good Spread

If you are working that young gun, you have to be sure to get a good spread. Like a shotgun, getting all in is the surefire way to get the most out of it. The more you get that thrust and spread, the better it will feel. If you have to cut the cheese in the process, so be it. Getting a loud one out will make you feel in charge of the situation at hand. A wide spread will also give you more mobility to show that you are the one in control.

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While those tight little loops you’re screwing are just sitting there, you are doing all of the work. If all else, it is a great way to establish dominance over your minor appendages. Think of it as wild game hunting or screwing in a screw with a flathead screwdriver. To say that this is not a good place to start is just a flat-out lie. Even if you do not like taking a dumb before you release the valve, you still have recently used toilet paper.

11 Ways to Choke Your Chicken

5. Use Your Imagination

While the motion of the ocean counts for a lot, you have to use your imagination to make the most of it. This comes down to thinking of yourself and others more ideally. You can still watch the occasional nude body, but imagination can make it harder. Like when going with the thrust, you have to make sure that it is synchronized perfectly. You do not have to be a jerk just because you are too afraid to think for yourself.

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Be it that steaming pile of feces or that encrusted waffle, imagination always screws the pooch. If you are having trouble with it, think of everyone being in their underwear. This is likely going to be an arousing image in your head, so go out with a blast in front of everyone. Your boner will thank you later for it by giving you a handshake.

11 Ways to Choke Your Chicken

6. Smell Something Good

Be it a cheeseburger, scented candle, or a pair of used underwear, smelling something that turns you on is a musty. There is nothing like smelling a smelly pair of armpits when going to town on yourself. You can then embrace your ape side, which likes the smell of tampons and chocolate streak marks. If you are feeling romantic, there are plenty of cooch scented candles you can use. There is even peanut butter for those who want to remind themselves of their dog.

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Some people even like the smell of giant gummy worms, which makes perfect sense. There is a crusty cornhole for everyone out there to smell, as it gives purpose in going in deep. This is the one thing about the sense of smell that creates such love and affection. If you like being hot and bothered, then give smelling a hickory smoked crack hole a whiff. I mean, it helps you remember things too, right?

11 Ways to Choke Your Chicken

7. Take Some Supplements

There is no need in being a wanker when you have got supplements to be your anchor. This is something I just thought of, and it comes down to science. While all of those clinical words may seem like a turn off, the medicinal properties they invoke are not. There are even names for supplements that explain exactly what they intend to do. You have got things horny goat weed, ginseng, and magnesium.

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If you want to take it a step up, you have got things like poppers and Adderall. Let’s say that this does not cut it and you want to take a dive in with the big boys. You can then experiment with supplements like Viagra and Cialis. They always said that there was nothing wrong with stroking strong with vitamin D. Hell, even porn can be seen as a supplement for those too weak to close their eyes.

11 Ways to Choke Your Chicken

8. Use Someone Else

They always said that having sex is just masturbation using someone else’s body. This is where number two comes in and gives you a nice long strudel. It’s a shortcut and gives you that instant gratification you have always been looking for. I mean, you still have to try and make it work first, as you cannot just expect someone to participate. Go up to someone and ask if you can use them as your own personal masturbation device.

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If this does not turn them on, then they are not the right person for you. Some people like it dirty, and they will accept your offer, but practice makes perfect. You have to not ham your deliveries and display confidence if you want their hands instead. When you finally succeed, you will be getting all of the practice you need, even if you are by yourself. There’s nothing like using someone else as a punching bag to get your knockers off.

11 Ways to Choke Your Chicken

9. Keep it Going

Everyone has always told me that endurance is what wins the race and pacing is everything. This is how the tortoise beat the hair, and it comes down to longevity. If you don’t got the guts, then why even give it a go to begin with. You have to be in for the long haul, as a long and stern stroke is in for the beating. Unless you are an insensitive douche, you should be sure to keep it slow. Tell yourself that you are a champ and that winning the gold medal is on the line.

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If you can keep up with longlegs, then speed down Hershey highway like the flash. If it helps to think of your grandma or whisper sweet nothings, then do what works for you. All I know is that talking dirty helps, but you will be a goner in no time. Every time you reach that peak, be sure to think of your mom and dad. Maybe thinking of making that lady pregnant will give you a double dose of reality, too.

11 Ways to Choke Your Chicken

10. Use Your Fingers

While sitting on the toilet while ripping down the drag is the natural conclusion, it comes afterwards. Dirty words and fingers will help, but it comes into conflict with other items on this list. They all serve to give you practice for the real deal, but those pimples have to bust beforehand. The middle finger is the largest finger of them all, and it will give you practice for that dildo later on. It does not make you gay, but it will make you happy.

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Some people may say that they are exit only, but they are lying. Most of these people are having fingers fly at them at a hundred miles a minute. Giving yourself the finger is a great way to get that abuse out of the way fast and easy. Unless putting from the rough is already your thing, you may find it creatively disturbing. If going that extra mile is what you do, then be sure to give it a smell afterwards. There is nothing like the sweet smell of success and a free prostate exam.

11 Ways to Choke Your Chicken

11. Talk to Yourself

If you are about to die, you are usually talking to yourself in a plea of acceptance. The same thing can be said during the process of masturbation. There are all sorts of ways you can talk to yourself when you are activating the bomb. You can talk like a schizophrenic, a bad boy/girl, or even act like you are going on a stroll with your granddad. Nothing beats like beating the meat to an old-fashioned conversation with yourself.

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That time your parents walked in while you were cleaning the nozzle is nothing but pure nostalgia. If this does not keep you up all night thinking of good times, then recite a poem. Be sure to head west young man, because those memories will get you going like a freight train. As mentioned, nothing beats a boner going back in time, be it fast or slow. It’s also a great way to mark your territory before your friends come home.

11 Ways to Choke Your Chicken

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